Wonder lost?

"I am going to Greenland for my summer holidays."

"Did you know MRF stands for Madras Road F@#@ers."

"The Singapore Babboon has the stinkiest urine... one drop requires 3000 buckets of water to clean."

"When you get a bad hand of cards, you have to scream F#@K and throw it down."

"Greenland is so called because it is completely covered with Korean Grass."

"We can find out who farted by touching that person's head, it will be hot."

"Boost is the secret of Sachin's energy."

Those were among the many things that I was fooled into believing when I was a kid. I realised some of them were lies after trying it out with my mother (the bad hand of cards one for example) and was quickly brought to my senses... nothing like a spanking to get all your senses to work, not just the sense of touch!

I was a little kid who looked at the world in wonder and did not know much. As one grows older, the naivete gets replaced by cynicism and disbelief. My natural inclination is to question the source... give a sarcastic wisecrack and snub the person... verify... and if it turns out to be true, act as if I knew it all along!

I wish I was a kid again and looked at things like I am seeing them and hearing them the first time. Maybe that's why I love travelling to new places and taking part in new experiences. Its the wonder associated with doing something or seeing something for the first time... Really need to visit Greenland sometime!

Divine Blasphemy

I dont smoke.. or consume liquor.. or do drugs.. the closest i get to a hangover is eating beef ( at least that's what it says on the menu ) at this fast food named besant fast food... and every time i get a chance to sneak out and have this senses conquering bits of cow or bull or dog or rat.. really cant make out by the taste or the colour and the light in the fast food is not that great

To my one international reader... (the other one quit reading my blogs after the one about my love) when i type fast food..you have to read it as road side junk outlet..and i hope you continue to read my posts even after this one

Anyway... every time i eat the beef... in the night i am haunted or rather disturbed by really intellectual dreams... and the next morning my family is disturbed by my flatulence skills... this routine took place last night.. and this morning... and the following conversation is the stuff my dreams are made of :-

Divine Blasphemy continued 1

Dream Conversation Pals : wake up vinsamp... wake up... its time for your dream...

Me: huh.. oh yeah.. i had that beef didnt i.. but who are you guys.. what happened to the cross-dressing richard nixon and the voltaire quoting marilyn monroe ??

D.C.P : well today you actually had real beef at that joint.. so you get us

M: so who are you guys.. looks like tonight its a technicolour dream huh

D.C.P: I am Prophet Mohammed.. and the man next to me is Lord Krishna

M: I am James Bond

Note:- Reader(s) from here on i will not be typing D.C.P or M so hope you guys understand without it... and if you dont.. well you are not missing anything

yeah right vinsamp... we know who you are.. and james bond has six pack abs not six flat tyres..

oh is that the only difference between james and me.. thats not so bad..

ok vinsamp is that all you have to discuss with us

well what the hell do you think.. that i keep a list of questions ready in case i get to meet prophet Mohammed and lord Krishna.. hey prophet.. how come you are... you know a person.. isn’t that like not right

first of all vinsamp.. this is the Danish cartoon version of me.. that’s why i am so colourful and i have this Chinese accent.... and secondly please don’t call me prophet all the time.. i wanna be a part of the 21st century.. so please call me Pro-Mo.. you got that dude..

Pro-Mo ??? ok.. so what do you wanna be called lordakrish ??

no..no.. just stick to Krish.. i am the ISKCON version you know.. so i am truly international...

Pro-Mo and Krish.. thats cool... so Pro-Mo.. first question to you.. whats with this no personification nonsense huh

well vinsamp.. you see i thought it best that the people should not bow down to one person or thing... they should not be slaves so to speak.. i wanted them to be true to themselves not to some idol...

and besides as you can see vin... the man is bloody ugly

hey krishna, you aint that great looking yourself.. blacky

ok ok hold it.. listen this is my dream.. and i am the only one who gets to throw insults here.. alright... Pro-Mo.. .there are a few things i have a prob with.. first is this thing about men getting to marry as many women

hey hey vinsamp hold on a minute.. i never made that man-marry-many rule.. that was made by some others during the crusades.. the reason was that as many of my followers were dying in the wars... the wise men thought that the only way to ensure that Islam would continue to exist was to let the men marry many women so even if they die in the war.. atleast they will have many offsprings back in Arabia...

ok fine Pro-Mo.. fine.. the law change seems ok then.. but why is it continuing now.. please dont give me jehadi as a reason.. now there is no crusades and there are abundant muslims so why cant the law be removed... isnt it anti women.. atleast one thing about hinduism is that there is no such laws

yeah in hinduism case one woman got to marry five men... check out Draupadi.. thats true equality for women

please shut up Krish.. out of those five men.. two thought of her as an elder sister... one used to discuss military strategies with her when she was pregnant... the fourth gambled her away.. and the fifth was a violent glutton.. and this whole nonsense happened because she was mistaken for a thing and was asked to be split five ways... please keep quite and smoke on your ISKCON dope for sometime.. now Pro-Mo even otherwise.. there are some really tough rules for women.. like the triple talaaq rule for instance

you think it should have been made five talaaqs instead

NO I THINK IT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND IF IT SHOULD BE THERE THE CHOICE SHOULD BE GIVEN TO THE WOMEN ALSO

oh ok.. well.. well..

Divine Blasphemy continued 2

see that vinsamp.. pro-mo does not know what to say.. ha ha ha

oh you dont laugh Krish.. i am just gonna start with you...why should people have to shave their hair off.. women included.. is the hindu god some sick psychopath who will dispel his favours only to those who are uglier than him... why should they have to pierce their tongues.. walk on fire... roll on the ground.. do sit ups.. the list is endless...

well vinsamp... when they shave off their head.. .the roots become stronger.. look at my mane of hair... how lustrous they are.. and the rolling on the ground is physio therapy..and..

oh is it.. then what about all this ruckus made about some woman touching the idol at the sabarimala temple and causing it to become impure

hey dude.. thats because my bro ayyapa is the idol there and he is celibate..

so am i krish.. and i dont get any sex fantasy every time a girl touches me... and he is supposed to be god.. so he should have superior mind control.. if you ask me a true god is someone who can go to the playboy mansion and still not get an erection even if he has angelina jolie trying to give him a really hot blow.. if he can do that.. then he is really some god..

AAAANNNGELIINAAAA

hey krish... woah boy.. you think she is hot too huh.. i heard you were some hot stuff in your time.. women used to go crazy over you na... now if i tried to stick a peacock feather in my hat and play the flute.. either they will call me gay... or they will set their dogs after me.. but coming back to that sabarimala thing... what kind of god is he if he loses his control to some local kannada actress.. and Pro-Mo what about all the women having to wear black from head to toe.. that too in the humid weather of chennai.. and krish...

DREAM ENDS.. REALITY BECKONS

Divine Blasphemy continued 3

Vinu wake up wake up...

oh hi mom... what is the matter...

could you please stop farting and get ready fast..you need to go to coll remember.. and why does your expulsions stink so much.. and dont forget to break coconuts at the temple before you go ok

oh ma.. you shouldnt make an agnostic do all this.. come on.. have you ever thought what money these temples will be making selling those coconuts to some hotel or restaurant...

what is this agnostic nonsense... you dont believe in god is it.. how can you say such a thing

no ma.. if i dont believe in god than i would be an atheist.. an agnostic is someone who believes in science and who thinks god will exist if he is proved by science to exist..

that means you are neither this nor that

ma, i am not this nor that.. i am an agnostic.. i like to think that rationality and pragmatism is what is necessary in this world

Vinu, Are you on drugs ???

How many coconuts should i break???

That Orkut is no good

This disclaimer has been added to this post since i have been bombarded with hate mail from a few christian groups, homosexual anonymous, UNILAPDA ( Universal Lap Dancers Association), St. Paedo's Brothel and a few Mary Magdalenes, Dan Brown, My Classmate and last but not the least many pissed off juniors who thought they were sweet

DISCLAIMER :- All names, places and characters mentioned in the following blog are purely pigments of my imagination.. any similarities to living or dead people, animals or trees is purely a matter of what we self proclaimed imaginative people call coincidence.. any attempt of taking me to court will only result in a detailed report of my bankruptcy

Bless me father for i have sinned.. i have broken a few commandments.. which number ?? i dunno father.. i am not too sure.. but i am absolutely certain that i broke some commandment.. and oh father i was the one who broke your window when we did that protest against the Da Vinci Code.. i threw the book away in protest when i realised that there was no sex in the book.. i mean considering Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.. there could have atleast been a lap dance as a last appetiser during the last supper..or sophie could have flashed her tits to distract 'the teacher' in that cathedral.. although it wouldn't have worked in the movie.. as the actor who played leah teabing is gay.. no i dont mean he is happy father.. although he is, what i am trying to say is..uh.. forget it..anyways.. thats not the sin i am here to confess about...

father.. i have invaded a person's privacy... but it didnt really strike me i was... no father.. i was not one of the paparazzis who took photos of the wives and girlfriends of the English footballers playing in a swimming pool in their hotel... but how did you come to know about something like that ?? oh.. divine knowledge huh... ok..now coming back to my sin father... i am a member of this online community called orkut.. no father thats not a protestant group... its not a christian community father.. it's online space where you can hang out... listen father i shall give you computer science lessons another day.. now could we please get back to my sin... listen i went through the profile of one of my juniors in college... and its like this... she is a sweet girl and all.. and the profile is open to anyone to read... and she knows that people read about it.. and she has mentioned about being committed in a relationship..that also is obvious...no father i never had romantic feelings for this girl.. but one of my friends did.. no father i dont have romantic feelings for her boyfriend, I am not gay. Oh! for heaven's sake of course i am happy.. that's not what i meant by not being gay.. oh FATHER!! PLEASE !!! I just feel guilty thats all.. what.. her boyfriend is some sort of a writer... no no not the dan brown kind... just a writer with some big newspaper... what the hell.. i 'm sorry father.. but the boyfriend or that girl has nothing to do with the sin.. it's just that i feel like i have gone through some personal diary or something.. i feel guilty of invading someone's privacy... no father i dont have CD's of the Da Vinci Code movie... oh Padre i meant PRIVACY not PIRACY... God damnit...Sorry..but you really do push it father.

Father, my grey cells suddenly got this bulb shedding light on some dark areas..your deep dark secrets could get out on this orkut... what no father not literally yours father.. the yours is used more generally here... it could be anyone.. and some other person could read it... what... no father there are no bishops from boston in orkut... although i did spot a community called St.Paedo's Brothel.... dunno if they are related.. how the hell did Boston bishops come into the picture now.. sorry.. how does it matter now... i feel like i have sinned.. now.. what do i do ??

dont ever use orkut... that's your solution... ok father thank you... and please bless me, for i am about to sin

That crazy little thing

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... I was in this pastry shop.. having this delicious Black Forest.. it was really only ordinary.. but its status got raised to delicious because of the fact that i didnt have to pay for it..my friend did.. and thats what made it the best of times and the worst of times.. cos now i needed to sit through a conversation with this guy... dont get me wrong.. this guy is a nice guy... who is working and i am not ( i am just trying to justify the free pastry here ).. but he has this annoying habit of complaining about his relationship to me.. and in all modesty I confess... I am the worst thing that has happened to relationships.. and the brave, noble girl(s) who have had to face the ignominy of being in a relationship with me will bear testimony to that... The moral of the story.. buy me all the pastries you want and i will be grateful to you for the rest of my life.. but please dont take me for a friend in need.. Indeed all i need is the Black Forest

If any budding film maker or ace director gets inspired to make a film based on this post.. please pay attention to details that i am adding in BOLD

Queen song :- "RADIO GA-GA" playing in the background

This guy starts asking me questions.. and i answer.. the pastry is brilliant, why wouldnt it be... my parents are fine.. college is ok, going on.....

The questions stop... he is waiting.. i am not going to ask you dude.. no way am i going to ask you...

After waiting for a minute ( it could have been longer.. cos i lost count of time trying to deftly maneuvre a cherry on to my spoon ) he started... She is really getting on my nerves..

As innocently as Oliver Twist asking for a little more gruel i ask The cherry ??

What cherry.. no you idiot BLANK

God damn it.. thats it i am no longer coming out for free cake.. i hate the conversation obligation.. thats what i am saying in my mind.. but my mouth choses to disobey my brain and out comes the words... What did BLANK do now ??

She is so irritating.. you wont believe what she did.. she went out swimming with her ex-boyfriend..

So what.. its only her ex na.. you are her present da.. and come on.. if she was doing anything hanky panky. why would she tell you she went swimming with her ex bf.. unless she wants you to be her ex and make the ex her present

"RADIO GA-GA" ends... "SOMEBODY TO LOVE" begins

She didnt tell me at first.. she only told me about it when i playfully teased her with that guy

Now you know what kind of a guy i am dealing with.. here is this idiot who teases his girlfriend with her ex.. Why would anyone want to do that... But my mouth as you must have guessed by now did not listen to my brain.. and instead asked.. Did you ask her why she didnt tell you before

Yes i did.. thats what is pissing me off the most.. the reason why she didnt tell me was 'because you never asked' thats what she says.. she says i never asked so she didnt tell me.. that female tells me about her friends when i dont ask.. tells me about her family when i dont ask... tells me about....

ok ok dude i get the point.. you are angry that she tells you all this.. you prefer she doesnt tell you anything is it.. i agree with you..

NO YOU IDIOT.. I want her to tell me everything. i cant believe i had to come and talk to you out of all the people... you relationship-challenged nincompoop.. Waiter get us chocolate truffle

Ok there is a limit to the insults i would take.. but thanks to the truffle he didnt yet reach the limit So you think she doesnt trust you enough is it ??

I just dont understand why she couldnt have told me then.. i mean i would have got angry but i am sure i wouldnt be as angry as i am now...

The lesser of two angers... why do i get myself into all this ??? the waiter brings the Chocolate Truffle to answer that question... Ok.. So you dont like getting news late.. you have this congenital aversion to news that are a week old..

There is nothing wrong with my genitals

No no.. what i was trying to say is... that you dont like old news..

Its not old news... I dunno what it is..

Ok you dont like the ex seeing BLANK in her swimming costume..

Hell i never even thought of that

OH OH Sriharikota we have a problem... Hey i was just joking dude.. come on every girl would have been in swim suits there And from what i have seen of BLANK... I HOPE THERE WERE OTHER GIRLS..

Ya i guess you are right... but i still feel like i have been wronged

Just break up with her dude...

I can't

Why did you lose a bet Why da ??

Becasuse I love her da.. I love BLANK

Freddie Mercury starts crooning "CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE"

P.S. - All names have been blanked to avoid legal haggles.. as i have this chronic fear of the words 'your' and 'honour' when they come in that order.

Fools rush in where Angels fear to thread

The title of this post does not refer to the quote made by Alexander Pope ( or was it a Pope or was it Alexander the great...i am not so sure)...of course the original quote was tread not thread, but i wonder if that really makes a difference to the final meaning.

It refers to the words of Shibu Soren when he first saw his toilet at Tihar Jail..not for him the subtle difference between tread and thread. After he spoke these famous words..he squatted down to business..when suddenly he was struck with a brain wave.. It often happens when you are so caught in the stress and strain of the moment that BANG you get a brain wave... dropping all pressing matters... he got up to business and made a call.

The call was to his new secretary, Shyam Babu, for he had killed his old secretary and that's why he was in jail in the first place. Shyam Babu was not from Jharkand, he was from Bihar. Shyam Babu, a bihari babu, was the brother of Ram Babu and son of Mahesh Babu (not the Telugu Superstar who has acted in blockbusters like Pokiri and Okkadu) and he resembled the other Telugu superstar - Mohan Babu.

The conversation between Shibuji and Shyam Babu revolved around Shibuji's political comeback and was in chaste Bhojpuri spoken with a thick Jharkandi and Bihari accent. The accent can be seen in superstar Shakila's latest Malayalam film - The Guns of Kumarakom.

Shibuji had plotted his political comeback right upto him becoming the PM of India, riding on the popularity wave which he would surely get after he won the Nobel Peace Prize for reducing Delhi's crime rate thanks to the punishment he had devised..all crimes be them big or small will have one sentence...that of the guilty having to clean the toilets of the victim.. if the Govt. was the victim then the public toilets would get cleaned..Shibuji had surely hit the jackpot. Shibuji wanted Shyam Babu to convey his idea in Parliament.
After giving his orders and putting down the phone, Shibuji started to eat Papayas and drink lots of water to regain the urge in his bowels which he inexplicably lost over the course of the conversation.

After getting his orders and putting down the phone, Shyam Babu quickly got dressed to rush to Parliament. He was ecstatic. He would be getting the Nobel Prize for Peace cos in Parliament he would claim that Shibuji's idea was his own. Ha ha ha. He would become President of India and deny mercy to Shibu Soren. With this thought, he started getting into the car when..BANG!BANG!BANG!

Three shots...three shots is all that it took to end the life of Shyam Babu,the brother of Ram Babu and son of Mahesh Babu (not the Telugu Superstar who has acted in blockbusters like Pokiri and Okkadu). The deed was done by Shibu Soren's first born son, Robert Jefferson Francis Winchester III ( Guddu to friends ). The reason...he missed his dad and wanted to give daddy company in Tihar...what a man ! what a son !

Guddu's happiness on seeing his father vanished when he saw the toilets of Tihar Jail.. Shibuji pacified his son telling him that fools rush in, where angels fear to thread. But the subtle difference between thread and tread will not be lost on a man named Robert Jefferson Francis Winchester III ( Guddu to friends ) but he didnt dare cross his father..so he just acknowledged the quote and got down to business..

Shibuji's happiness on seeing his son vanished when he found out the crime with which Guddu had been charged...but his anger abated when he realised that he had a new secretary by the name of Mallika Sherawat...

MORAL OF THE STORY - "When you take a bath with a bunch of naked men and your bar of soap falls down...don't bend down !!!"